family

Old loves

~ credo2014 ~ Leave a comment

Through our lives people will enter at various stages and leave an imprint on our hearts. As we grow older and often have time to reflect, often it is then that we truly recognise why and the impact they had.

Everything happens for a reason and we make decisions which may feel are right at that time for our own personal growth. But as my wonderful mentor used to frequently say ‘memories live longer than dreams’ and maybe the dreams we thought we wanted to chase don’t actual exist and the stars we try to reach for we actually already had.

As part of one of my  psychology study assignments I found myself confessing experiences and relationships and the fact that ‘feeling loved’ however long it lasted will of course keep us warm in our old age. Here’s hoping.

I will end on lyrics from a great musician and song writer Zarr

‘love is hard to find…I’m reaching for you but you are like the stars..far so very far.

 

Bereavement support within schools

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The best advice often offered when a child loses a family member or close friend is to give them as much support as possible, but also try to maintain some routine in their life. As with any emotional hurdle your child may need to overcome it is always a good idea to keep their school informed so they too can support your child.

Please read my article on Innovate My School’s website which gives advice on returning to school, seeking help from their school pastoral and counselling. Link follows:-

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/industry-expert-articles/item/1414-bereavement-helping-pupils-and-towards-recovery.html

Bereavement…making a difference

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Today is not the first time I have congratulated our amazing Princes William and Harry on my blog. I know like many I am behind them in their desire to help with awareness and consideration for anyone going through bereavement, especially children, and, of course, their excellent work in supporting mental health issues.

Listening to these younger members of the Royal family talk in recent interviews and documentaries it is apparrent they intend to continue to make their beloved mother proud by ‘doing something and making a difference‘.

My lovely regular followers will know that I often write about bereavement; the acceptance of death and the shock and bewilderment that bereavement brings to a child is both painful and something that often sticks with them forever.

I will end today’s blog in reminding those coping with recent bereavement that we really do keep our loved ones alive in our minds and heart and talking about them rather than denying their existence is the best way forward.  If you wish to support somebody in their personal journey give them the opportunity to talk, and, cry if they need to.

 

 

Kindness and understanding

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One time when people need both kindness and understanding is when a loved one is dying and they find themselves perhaps in unknown territory of feeling lost and sadder than they ever thought possible. As I frequently write; just acknowledging their sadness rather than avoiding making contact is all one needs to do, a touch of a hand and a few words expressing empathy, if you do know how they feel.

This weekend I found myself in such a situation and reminded those in need that it does get easier, to remember their loved one before their deterioration of health and to keep them alive in their heart. I also reminded a younger relative that their parent would wish them to go on living life to the full and making every day count.

There are not many families that are not touched by cancer and seeing a loved one suffer and disappear is truly a difficult time and one which takes time to move on from. When we know in advance that a special person is dying, we can at least have time to say goodbye, though this period affects the grieving process..to which there is no quick route.

As ever, tell those you love that you love them on a regular basis and as my wonderful mum would say ‘The time to be good to people is when they are here!’ 

Musical bumps

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Musical bumps…and I don’t mean the game we played as children which I believe the fun police have said is now too dangerous!!

I am referring to when we hear a piece of music or a song and we are immediately transported back in time to a memory, a place or a person. These ‘bumps’ can of course be great prompts to bring back happy memories and in my work with dementia clients this can prove invaluable.

On the other hand one can hear a piece of music which may remind us of a loved one we have lost and we may feel reflective and saddened, but even those feelings are useful in helping us to allow our bereavement process and healing to continue.

Let’s face it the music score creates the scene, the atmosphere and the moods in any great film as the amazing John Williams has continued to prove over some four decades. Personally, I would be lost without my music whether it is lifting a mood or emotive to shed a tear or two.

My music list and appreciation is both long and eclectic and in case a certain man is reading my blog today…we had Barber.

Support for eating disorders

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Recently watched the Panorama programme dedicated to eating disorders in men and boys presented by Nigel Owens the Rugby referee. Worrying stats were revealed of young men being affected by eating disorders with 42% increase in referrals over the last two years.

As with most mental illnesses intervention early really does aid success for recovery. Sadly youngsters wait far too long for referrals for support help and often are turned down because of shortage of staff and a variety of other factors.

We all keep hearing how the government are investing billions into this area with aims to see children within four weeks, one week for real emergencies! In reality this will be impossible to achieve meanwhile a lot of male youngsters suffer in silence.

The documentary covered various cases demonstrating the devestating affects on the body and mind with 13 -17 most at high risk. It revealed facts from support agencies; Beat charity receive 20,000 calls a year. Often eating disorders are viewed as ‘female illnesses’ when this is clearly no longer the case – even so this ‘assumption’ can make it harder for parents and GP’s to recognise/diagnose.

As ever modern media plays its part in making youngsters concerned about their visual appearance and so it starts. Often eating disorders are associated with boys who are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality too.

Nigel closed the episode by saying it is a strength to admit one has a problem not a weakness, and advising viewers not to be like him still suffering some 27 years on. Get help and stay one step a head and have a chance of recovering.

 

Our children..our most precious gift

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I am finally getting around to typing up my reflective notes for my journal from all the amazing documentaries I have been watching over the summer. On July 21st my blog was dedicated to Olly Alexander’s ‘Growing up Gay‘ but today I would like to quote from his emotive closing advice and comments:-

 ‘Be honest about our wounds and scars –it’s part of the process. Encourage positivity –be your authentic self. It should be normal for parents to be able to talk to their kids as they deserve a happy life.‘

To echo his honest and heartfelt thoughts, I would like to add a comment I heard on TV from Alan Titchmarsh:

‘We can only ever be as happy as our happiest child!’ 

Think about that one for a moment and ask those awkward questions or at least give your child the platform on which to open up…Remember they are only ever on loan to us.

Exam results

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It’s that time of year  when thousands of students eagerly await their exam results. Adding to their stress and concerns of supportive parents are the never ending articles in the media regarding poor exam marking. The Daily Mail recently quoted ‘for some students, an exam marking blunder could mean they lose their place at their chosen university.’  This is indeed the sad and extremely disappointing case for many students -we all know this poor marking has been going on for some years now and specifically the past three years.

Whilst re-marking which more often than not sees in some cases jumps of three grades which is unbelievable, by the time this happens it is of course far too late for those students who have lost their chosen university place.

On a positive note I would like to remind my followers, students and parents alike that going through clearing whilst not the option our children had envisage can provide some excellent alternative places.

There was a brilliant article in yesterday’s Daily Telegraph with some sound advice about looking at and being aware what the other universities have to offer before the exam results day… so if the results don’t match the first choice criteria you are slightly better prepared. However, this will never compensate for the agony of not getting that first choice and in a state of stress students then have to ring and talk to course leaders at other universities and sell themselves!  As I wrote last year… a second choice may indeed end up being a better option – all things happen for a reason but these marking errors are truly unacceptable.

My closing comment today must be that our children should not be put in this position and the examining boards should get their act together -they know this is happening and serious steps should have been put in place by now surely.

Remember parents have to pay for the examiners remarking mistakes too!!

 

Breaking the taboo

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We must salute our two Princes for making their documentary about their mother and once again being brave enough to break the taboo subject of bereavement. Great respect for the next Royal generation who have raised awareness for both bereavement charities and mental health.

For far too long people have been uncomfortable talking about and acknowledging death as I write so often this unhealthy attitude does nothing to help those who are trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. We keep them alive in our hearts and our minds and by talking about their lives and celebrating them actually helps us through the pain of bereavement.

Death does not end a relationship. There are never the right words but don’t under estimate the value of just touching somebody’s hand and telling them that you are thinking of them. Personal engagement and contact was something that Princess Diana did so readily and made a difference touching lives.

A Mother’s love and instinct

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They say there is nothing to match the love of a mother for her child and recent research has proven that part of a baby’s brain DNA is transposed to it’s mother whilst in the womb. This may indeed explain the strong bond and natural instinct as in when we sense our child is in trouble though the miles may keep us apart.

I always encourage those around me to learn a new word every day and my own word today is ‘arohanui’ which is word from the Maori language and I am reliably informed that it means:-

‘A love so big it is an ocean’

Those of us lucky enough to be parents will know that to be true..to the moon and back we so often say too.

I had an amazing relationship with my own mother and some of this magic and pearls of wisdom I have captured in my own book now available from Amazon Kindle:-

‘A Mother’s Love’..Gospels according to Dorothy.