mindfulness

Helping the bereaved not ignoring them

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Earlier this week during a visit with a bereaved lady we both agreed how we put on a brave face with those around who are also struggling in coming to terms with a loss of a loved one. Why is that? Over the past few years I have read many books on the beravement journey of others and have my own experiences to recollect too and what is blatently obvious is that to deny somebody’s right to grieve openly is of no use.

I am certain I would have said this before -my own mother said people crossed the road to avoid having to speak to her after my father died suddenly. It made me cross and upset then as a child and still does. However, shall we just be angry with the person that does that or should we feel sorry that they cannot find the words…any words?  As I have written in various articles just a hand on the arm or shoulder and ‘i’m thinking of you’ will suffice nobody who is recently bereaved expects you to say something profound honestly!

What we need as a bereaved person is for people to acknowledge our pain and the existence of those we have loved and lost. We have such a long way to go still in this country in dealing with how we approach the subject of death and it is something all of us will have to encounter and deal with at some stage of our life.

In a world where people post so many private things about their life (which frankly I would rather not see) I find it hard to believe that talking about death leaves them dumb struck.

As always I am sending a little reminder that it is after the funeral people need you to to phone or visit and let them know their loved one is not forgotten.  For anybody who is feeling alone in their grief then please talk to somebody, your loved one would not want you to suffer in silence and most of all celebrate their life.

A Mother’s love

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The older I become the more, and I guess obviously so, my friends and extended family members are losing their parents. The loss of a Mother cuts deep and I described my own feelings at the time of just losing my sense of purpose – when I say that to the recently bereaved I always get a nod of acceptance. Bereavement brings a whole range of emotions and at times these feel so over-whelming. Some may argue it doesn’t get any easier and they are probably right but acceptance becomes stronger and we do start to remember their love and the gift they brought to us.

After being nagged by many of my friends and family I wrote my own thoughts and experiences of my own relationshipwith my mother down. It is true that writing is indeed therapeutic.

‘A Mother’s Love’ Gospels according to Dorothy is available from amazon kindle to download.  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Annie-Manning/e/B005XXYJL0

Mother-s love (1)

**Cover illustration courtesy of Paul Manning

 

The Michael Blake Foundation

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In keeping with Oesophageal Cancer Awareness month I have been reminded by a family member that The Michael Blake Foundation’s website is worth visiting. Like so many charities this foundation was set up following the loss of a family member.

Sadly it is not until we experience a specific illness personally that we realise just how little support and information is available and all credit to those that then turn their own dificult situation into doing something really productive and help others.

Having worked within the not-for-profit sector for many years I have seen how little charities are doing really useful work in their local communities.  Their website is: http://www.michaelblakefoundation.org.uk should you wish to donate, volunteer or in need of advice.

 

 

Cherishing those we love

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The pace of life for most is fast, often too fast and so easily we neglect friendships and loved ones. We all need to slow it down at times and remember to tell those we love just how important they are to us.

I know I have said this many times before on my blog but in life we meet many people and some leave their imprint on our hearts forever. It is never a case of how long the friendship lasts but the depth of that relationship and that is what hurts the most when they leave our lives.

The journey of bereavement is a difficult one, sadly, for many without a quick exit route. Anniversaries can be extremely painful but in their own way they are good for us as it gives us the opportunity to release some of our grief. Only yesterday talking to a recently widowed friend I reminded her how it is good to cry. However, we silly English people think it inappropriate to cry; whereas many other countries openly grieve -the latter being far more beneficial.

If we are missing somebody we have lost then there is no shame in saying so. I was personally touched yesterday learning of how a young girl continued to send her grandad text messages after he had died – talking to him in heaven. For us writers we do that constantly, and I am told that my own honest rantings help others too.

Celebrate the relationships you have with those that are with you and continue to do that when they are no longer around as I am certain that is what they would want.

Sending a spiritual hug to those that really need it today.

Remember the tallest poppies are often picked first and that they were beautiful and loved.

NTA Awards -animal awareness

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All forms of media is full of last night’s NTA awards and it is always great to see those who do their job so well getting recognised. Interestingly two of the awards go to two of our national treasures who work and help promote the plight of animals and our planet. Sir David Attenborough who continues to amaze and enthral us all and of course the lovable Paul O’Grady doing such fab work for re-homing animals.

We need those prepared to speak up for animals and who are not afraid to talk about the bad side of human nature as well as the kindness we can all apply to make things better.

A new blog follower has asked where do I get my info from to write my blog? It’s observing life, experiencing life over six decades, self-development through studies and finding time to find out what makes people tick.

People are important material things are not..sometimes we lose sight of that fact. Slow down and talk to one another.

Special people

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In life people enter our life and we may not know the reason why at the time.  They may appear for just a while or they may remain a constant in our life. However, these people help shape our lives, give it purpose perhaps but the special ones certainly make a difference.

As I have discussed frequently the past few weeks it is not the length of the friendship but the depth, the kindness the person may extend and how they encourage you to broaden your own horizons.

Over the years of freelancing I have worked with some amazing people with creativity and talent that I hope in some small way always rubs off on me. Some clients we are glad when the assignment ends whilst others will end up being friends outside of the work we do with them.

This week I am remembering a very special lady who it was a real privilege to spend time with and I will cherish every experience for a long time to come. As a result of the opportunity I have been able to, expand my own knowledge, help other families and gain a valuable insight into the challenge of living with dementia.

In life whatever we are doing we should endeavour to make it count, make us reflect who we are and how we can improve the lives of those we also touch.

Have a great weekend fellow bloggers and my great followers be inspired, be positive and keep healthy.

Fighting our fears

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Fighting our personal fears is a daunting prospect, but those fears may be holding us back from realising our dreams and even living a normal life. I have just watched the emotive ‘School for Stammerers‘ on ITV. What an amazing, sad yet hopeful documentary showing the journey of a group of mixed aged stammerers attending a course to help them control their speech problems.

As with many things in life the psychological impact runs deep and expressed in the show as being 90% fear for those with a stammer. It revealed how those suffering build up barriers preventing them from leading normal lives.

The course was a huge success with one thirteen year old boy saying ‘The course changed my life as I am free.‘ Being able to control their stammer all participants gained new lives,  were far more confident and with some being able to secure their personal and professional dreams. Whereas prior to the course even saying their own names was a real emotional struggle.

This is one well worth watching but be warned it will need the tissue box handy.

Communication let’s talk

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I have lost count the times I write about communication being the key to success in any personal or business relationship, but it doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves that some people find it harder to communicate than others. This is where patience, caring and understanding step in and we can all do our bit even in our own community and within families.

A recent blog I ranted about how people in wheelchairs or disabilities are often ignored (a discussion I had earlier this week with a new friend**) additionally we agreed this can happen when people are recently bereaved as we search for the right words to offer in sympathy -there are no words but don’t avoid people either. Don’t under estimate the power of a simple hand of the arm and just saying ‘i’m thinking of you.’  **Hi Julia if you are following.

Equally, many will find it awkward to speak to somebody with dementia but there is help available. As ever I am steering my followers to the Alzheimer’s Society’s website: within their wide selection of free literature you will find easy tips to follow to enhance your relationship with, and the life of, the person living with dementia.

Being elderly can become very isolating and lonely so pop in and see that neighbour… a quick bit of engagement will make their day.

Making it count

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My regular followers will know I talk often about living a day at a time and making it count. I also encourage kindness and remind people often it is a strength not a weakness.

In life, if we are lucky, special people come into our lives, our paths will cross and unexpectedly we learn so much. I am also personally aware that a dearest friend may not have necessarily been in one’s life a long time for that person to make such a difference and have a positive impact either.

For personal reasons I have been re-visiting some of my favourite poems, one of which was given to me when my mother died ‘How do you live your dash‘ an extract follows:-

‘I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the later date with tears

But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth

For it matters not how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash

So think about this long and hard, are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand the way other people feel’

So, if you have people in your life that you love, then tell them so today, don’t save the words just for ‘special occasions’ as today is that special occasion!

 

 

The value of life -A Mother’s Love

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If one googles ‘the value of life’ all sorts of quotes will come up. The one I wish to share today though are lines taken from the poem by Helen Steiner Rice:-

‘The value of life is not measured in length but in deeds’

It reminds me of one of the many quotes from my own amazing mentor and mother:

‘The time to be good to people is when they are here..too late when they are gone’

It may seem obvious but in our busy lives we forget this sometimes she also taught us to be grateful something modern day people forget. In remembering to be grateful we actually become happier so it’s simple but oh so effective.

Currently reading: ‘The things you can see only when you slow down‘ by Haemin Sunim.

As with most books I read of this nature I hear mum’s voice and this voice was the reason I wrote and produced my kindle book  ‘A Mother’s Love’ available from Amazon to download:-