reflective

Bereavement…making a difference

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Today is not the first time I have congratulated our amazing Princes William and Harry on my blog. I know like many I am behind them in their desire to help with awareness and consideration for anyone going through bereavement, especially children, and, of course, their excellent work in supporting mental health issues.

Listening to these younger members of the Royal family talk in recent interviews and documentaries it is apparrent they intend to continue to make their beloved mother proud by ‘doing something and making a difference‘.

My lovely regular followers will know that I often write about bereavement; the acceptance of death and the shock and bewilderment that bereavement brings to a child is both painful and something that often sticks with them forever.

I will end today’s blog in reminding those coping with recent bereavement that we really do keep our loved ones alive in our minds and heart and talking about them rather than denying their existence is the best way forward.  If you wish to support somebody in their personal journey give them the opportunity to talk, and, cry if they need to.

 

 

Kindness and understanding

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One time when people need both kindness and understanding is when a loved one is dying and they find themselves perhaps in unknown territory of feeling lost and sadder than they ever thought possible. As I frequently write; just acknowledging their sadness rather than avoiding making contact is all one needs to do, a touch of a hand and a few words expressing empathy, if you do know how they feel.

This weekend I found myself in such a situation and reminded those in need that it does get easier, to remember their loved one before their deterioration of health and to keep them alive in their heart. I also reminded a younger relative that their parent would wish them to go on living life to the full and making every day count.

There are not many families that are not touched by cancer and seeing a loved one suffer and disappear is truly a difficult time and one which takes time to move on from. When we know in advance that a special person is dying, we can at least have time to say goodbye, though this period affects the grieving process..to which there is no quick route.

As ever, tell those you love that you love them on a regular basis and as my wonderful mum would say ‘The time to be good to people is when they are here!’ 

Musical bumps

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Musical bumps…and I don’t mean the game we played as children which I believe the fun police have said is now too dangerous!!

I am referring to when we hear a piece of music or a song and we are immediately transported back in time to a memory, a place or a person. These ‘bumps’ can of course be great prompts to bring back happy memories and in my work with dementia clients this can prove invaluable.

On the other hand one can hear a piece of music which may remind us of a loved one we have lost and we may feel reflective and saddened, but even those feelings are useful in helping us to allow our bereavement process and healing to continue.

Let’s face it the music score creates the scene, the atmosphere and the moods in any great film as the amazing John Williams has continued to prove over some four decades. Personally, I would be lost without my music whether it is lifting a mood or emotive to shed a tear or two.

My music list and appreciation is both long and eclectic and in case a certain man is reading my blog today…we had Barber.

Positive Monday

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Mondays can be a bit of a drag some weeks even for the most positive soul. But isn’t it great when the week starts off with positive news? Over the past months I have had the privilege of helping a few friends, family and clients with keeping motivated after interviews have been non-productive.

Often the reasons we don’t get that brilliant job we felt we were made for are nothing whatsoever to do with us, our skills, or how we performed on interview…and sometimes it is because something better is out there with our name on it.

However, getting back on the job-seeking horse can be daunting when our self-esteem has taken a knocking, and would-be-employers or agents saying ‘you were over qualified’ is just simply unhelpful.

Sometimes we just have to be patient and that great opportunity will come along and have our name on it and all is perfect in the world. So for one talented young man, who may read my blog today well done…I am almost as thrilled as you.

As for me; well I had a surprisingly high mark on my first assignment on my  latest course. The first one is always the hardest… getting back into the swing of studying and trying to gauge whether one has ‘done enough’ to please the tutors is often daunting. We are never too old to accept positive feedback nor be excited to receive a great mark!

I am now in an excellent place, to a) start assignment number two and b) see what Tuesday holds.

Our children..our most precious gift

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I am finally getting around to typing up my reflective notes for my journal from all the amazing documentaries I have been watching over the summer. On July 21st my blog was dedicated to Olly Alexander’s ‘Growing up Gay‘ but today I would like to quote from his emotive closing advice and comments:-

 ‘Be honest about our wounds and scars –it’s part of the process. Encourage positivity –be your authentic self. It should be normal for parents to be able to talk to their kids as they deserve a happy life.‘

To echo his honest and heartfelt thoughts, I would like to add a comment I heard on TV from Alan Titchmarsh:

‘We can only ever be as happy as our happiest child!’ 

Think about that one for a moment and ask those awkward questions or at least give your child the platform on which to open up…Remember they are only ever on loan to us.

Resuming studies

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Anyone who has had a break from their studies will know it can be quite a struggle to get back on the learning horse and regain one’s focus.

Even the most positive and ethusiastic students can find themselves delaying the inevitable. This week I have found myself in this very same situation, so I did the sensible thing and rang one of my support tutors to have a general chat and confess where I felt I was at!

Distance learning can be daunting but I have had a very positive experience these past few years receiving great encourament and support from the BSY Group. As I revealed yesterday to a new tutor, the personal comments I received on previous coursework always inspired me to press on. Whatever age we are – receiving praise for our achievements is always well-received and makes it all worthwhile.

My chat albeit perhaps not terribly focused (for me) nor containing any specific questions to be answered, helped me to appreciate my chosen projects this year had indeed been advance homework rather than causing delay starting my course. Working with the elderly and the young in mind has provided valuable research for my latest Psychology studies as well as giving me an opportunity to make ultimate use of my varied skills and qualifications gained with BSY. I have even ressurected gems from running a writers group many years ago within reminiscent and sensory work.

In life, I always maintain nothing should be a waste of time, even the bad experiences hopefully teach us something. Reflection gives us an opportunity to grow..if we just make time to do it.

So for any students mature or young on the run down to resuming studies; enjoy the break you have had, keep healthy and be inspired to meet the next challenge.

Exam results

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It’s that time of year  when thousands of students eagerly await their exam results. Adding to their stress and concerns of supportive parents are the never ending articles in the media regarding poor exam marking. The Daily Mail recently quoted ‘for some students, an exam marking blunder could mean they lose their place at their chosen university.’  This is indeed the sad and extremely disappointing case for many students -we all know this poor marking has been going on for some years now and specifically the past three years.

Whilst re-marking which more often than not sees in some cases jumps of three grades which is unbelievable, by the time this happens it is of course far too late for those students who have lost their chosen university place.

On a positive note I would like to remind my followers, students and parents alike that going through clearing whilst not the option our children had envisage can provide some excellent alternative places.

There was a brilliant article in yesterday’s Daily Telegraph with some sound advice about looking at and being aware what the other universities have to offer before the exam results day… so if the results don’t match the first choice criteria you are slightly better prepared. However, this will never compensate for the agony of not getting that first choice and in a state of stress students then have to ring and talk to course leaders at other universities and sell themselves!  As I wrote last year… a second choice may indeed end up being a better option – all things happen for a reason but these marking errors are truly unacceptable.

My closing comment today must be that our children should not be put in this position and the examining boards should get their act together -they know this is happening and serious steps should have been put in place by now surely.

Remember parents have to pay for the examiners remarking mistakes too!!

 

Breaking the taboo

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We must salute our two Princes for making their documentary about their mother and once again being brave enough to break the taboo subject of bereavement. Great respect for the next Royal generation who have raised awareness for both bereavement charities and mental health.

For far too long people have been uncomfortable talking about and acknowledging death as I write so often this unhealthy attitude does nothing to help those who are trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. We keep them alive in our hearts and our minds and by talking about their lives and celebrating them actually helps us through the pain of bereavement.

Death does not end a relationship. There are never the right words but don’t under estimate the value of just touching somebody’s hand and telling them that you are thinking of them. Personal engagement and contact was something that Princess Diana did so readily and made a difference touching lives.

‘Growing up Gay’

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I have to agree with recent media comments that everyone whether Gay or not should watch Olly Alexander’s documentary ‘Growing up Gay’.  It gave a very honest insight into the many problems that teenagers have in coming to terms with sexuality. It covered bullying within schools, self harming and eating disorders as well as drug addiction.

As ever it included worrying statistics about the mental health issues that young people face and the damage and low self-esteem often from rejection by parents…sometimes leading to homelessness for many.

However, Olly also allowed cameras to film his participation in Diversity Role Model schemes being rolled out in some schools, with positive statistics that 40% of students used homophobic vocabulary before the sessions and reducing to 15% after.

Those that regular follow my blog know I do my bit to support anti-bullying and again this programme showed how students suffer in silence preferring not to tell the school or their family.

I whole heartedly agree with Olly’s comments that awareness and consideration to LBGT should form part of sex education within schools, the earlier we are encouraged to be accepting of others the better.

I know that as with other similar documentaries Olly’s will hopefully encourage those struggling to talk to somebody and get support.

Be kind to one another this weekend and remember to ask ‘how are doing?’ and be willing to listen. Be that friend.

Sara Payne – A Mother’s Story

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I watched last night’s programme on Channel Five ‘A Mother’s Story’ a documentary about Sara Payne, her family and the loss of her lovely daughter Sarah.

I had the great privilege of meeting Sara many years ago at an event run by The Stroke Association one of my chosen charities. Not only is she an inspirational woman who managed to change the law for the benefit of all our children, but also an extremely humble lady. She was a guest speaker encouraging others to be proactive and positive -this was not long before she suffered her own stroke.

The loss of a child is an unbearably sad journey and one which nevers leaves a parent, I know my own aunt never really recovered from the loss of my cousin in a tragic accident. I am reminded by the words of a wise and loving lady who told me once that;-

‘Our children are only on loan to us and that we should love them and hold them dear.’

I have read Sara’s book of the same title and will definitely be ordering a copy of  ‘Letters to Sarah.’ We all benefit from those who are brave enough to share their experiences and that in itself takes great courage.