bereavement

Our Dads

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Today I will dedicate my first blog to my own father and many other fathers of friends who spent their twenties in the second world war. These great men came home to those that loved them and stayed silent about what they had seen and didn’t boast about their many achievements.

I know my mother told me that our dad didn’t think it appropriate to discuss such matters in front of the women and children.  For many of us from my own generation we regret that maybe we didn’t either take the time or have the opportunity to sit down and ask the right questions to find out more about these brave men.

Today is of course when, as a nation,we do take time to remember them.. all those that were sadly lost and those who survived. Also show appreciation to our armed forces currently serving.

If you are fortunate to have your Dad or Grandfather alive take the time now to talk to them and give them the respect and recognition they so rightly deserve.

 

 

Making the most of our time

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As I write today’s blog I am mindful of yesterday’s tram crash and how many families will be affected by the tragic accident. People going about their usual business on their way to work or college and a future planned.

At times like these I remember my mentor’s words about living a day at a time and being good to people when they are here. I heard these sentiments on a regular basis and for her generation surviving the London Blitz in the second world war they knew how lives could be changed in a moment for simply being at the wrong place at the wrong time. On the eve of 11/11 we will remember them.

Life is precious as are our loved ones and close friends and where possible we must ensure to live life to full and hopefully without affecting others by our actions in a negative way. We owe it to those that lost their lives in protecting our right to freedom.

As we get older ourselves we start to lose older relatives and too often their own stories die with them, I encourage families to spend time with grandparents and find out their stories to record and treasure for future generations to come. For those families faced with the challenge of family members with dementia recollecting past stories is a good way of stimulating and communicating.

Today’s objective as always is to make the most of our time in a positive and productive way whenever we can.

Bereavement -supporting children

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The bereavement journey is indeed a difficult one and never more so than for children. Death of a close relative may come at an early age and before a child has yet learned the adult vocabulary with which to express how they are feeling.

I am advised it is Grief Awareness Month for Children and my advice is not to struggle ensure you get help for yourself and your children. There are also excellent books available to help children understand in an age appropriate way. One of my favourites being ‘Badger’s Parting Gifts.’

I have a project of my own ‘A Ragdoll for Nanny’ which I am hoping to use to help a bereavement charity at some stage.  Having lost a parent at an early age and helped my own daughter with loss of grandparents very young I can speak from personal experience.

I always advise parents to let their children’s school know what is happening to gain as much support as possible. For children at senior school please look at my piece on Innovate My School’s website.

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/ideas/bereavement-helping-pupils-and-towards-recovery

Anti-bullying

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Later this month it is Anti-bullying awareness week and I hope the various connected charities will be well supported during this time and schools nationally take full advantage of this platform.

However, we all need to be aware of bullying every day and the various forms it takes. Additionally, the growing concerns to parents of the increase and attitude towards cyber-bullying one of the downsides of modern media.This leaves our children subjected to 24/7 attacks from those that choose this cruel way to intimidate others.

Please see my article on Innovate My School’s website

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/industry-expert-articles/item/1670-how-schools-can-tackle-cyberbullying.html

Be safe be aware. Some may be comforted by the fact that statistics say most bullies go on to suffer with depression in later life…I would prefer they are encouraged from an early age to STOP IT for everyone’s sake! Whereas a large proportion of victims don’t tell anybody they are being bullied an even more worrying statistic.

Memory triggers…the very thought of you

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I frequently talk and write about emotional triggers that spur us on to remember people we have loved and lost. It may be a certain smell or even a special song that holds that magic which tugs at one’s heart strings.

These transient reminiscent bumps can be both beautiful and emotive and at times appear upsetting but my regular followers know how I feel about the value of having a cry to release bottled up emotions.

Shortly after my mother died I bought a Harry Connick Junior Album on which he sang ‘The very thought of you‘ an old Frank Sinatra number  and a favourite of mine and mum’s- sheer magic. To many this is a love song but it reminded me of my amazing mother few lines…‘I see your face in every flower, your eyes in stars above’.. After a close bereavement our loved one’s presence  is often felt as we try to make sense of our loss and treasure our memories.

Last night the very talented Michael Buble was singing the exactly same song and dedicated it to his Gran who had recently died. It was a beautifully produced number. So I am not alone in recognising those special words and there is more than one kind of love…both of which obviously resonated with this great songster too. 

I was asked this morning had I seen him live…only in my dreams! Swoon.

 

National Stress Awareness Day

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I have always maintained that awareness is knowledge and knowledge is power. Sadly we may apply this to our professional life but often people switch off their awareness when in the company of friends and family.

Why is this? Maybe we don’t want to pry or live in fear of not saying the right thing. What we can do though is occasionally just ask the question ‘is everything OK?’. I remember receiving sound advice at a very young age to think about other people’s 24 hours…their lives.

If somebody is maybe acting out of sorts don’t react in a negative way but try finding out what is going on as they may be really stressed about something and a few kind words and a listening ear may be just what they need to bring their stress levels down.

We never know what is troubling those we love if we don’t take the time to notice and be interested.Life can be difficult at times and remember somebody may be drowning and not just waving.

I was told once that to have that great friend you have to be that great friend.

Recently I read an article about how having a hug may be just as effective when in pain as a pain killer..I know which I prefer.

Male suicide

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Regular followers will know I often write and include the delicate subject of suicide in my bereavement blogs.

Sadly many people are uncomfortable talking about this subject which can in turn affect how supportive they are to families coping with the tragic loss of a family member.

Many of the mental health charities and organisations are encouraging people to talk about their problems and in particularly young men where suicide is one of the highest killers.

Often a young man will take heed from his own Father’s reluctance to share and talk about his emotions, but all family units should address this and soon.

Encourage your male family members to talk there is no shame in talking about our feelings and you may just save a worried teen from spiraling into depression and thoughts of a suicidal nature.

Having said this I will remind any bereaved family members facing the attempted suicide or loss in this way that feelings of misplaced blame is not uncommon and please seek support to help you through this difficult time.

Black cat day

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Today is the Cats Protection League’s black cat day in an attempt to encourage would-be pet owners to consider re-homing a black cat.Not sure what the reasons are but it would seem many a lovely black cat struggles to be adopted.

We have two fab black cats one was a rescue cat and has been a joy to have.Slightly amused they have chosen to have this awareness day near Halloween but in our house they are considered good luck.

The various charities who support the elderly in our communities are aware just how many people living on their own are lonely and bringing a pet into their lives can bring a new lease of life. Of course a cat is  a great lap companion for those who cannot get out and about. Cat has the added bonus of no need for walking it in the rain!  (Sorry dog lovers)

Additionally it is well documented that having and stroking a pet cat or dog lowers one’s blood pressure ..so a healthy addition to the family too.

Pet bereavement

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I was pleased to see the subject of pet bereavement being discussed on daytime TV yesterday. Often people forget how attached pet owners are to their beloved pooch or moggy.

Speaking as a parent often through keeping a pet a child learns about responsibility and their first encounter with grief may indeed be through the loss of a pet hamster.

I think the mistake parents often make is in trying to protect their children’s emotions they invent strange stories as to where the deceased animal has gone to, and even replace a goldfish with another pretending it is the same one.

We cannot run from death and the earlier a child understands about loss but in a controlled way the better. There is no right age to accept or a right way of breaking bad news we just have to do the best we can.

However, there are of course great books available pitched age appropriate which can help with the loss of grandparent say. If you feel you need outside help do not feel embarrassed to ask as often you may be going through the same emotions yourself and a bereavement counsellor can help make the journey easier for both you and your child.

Happy Birthday Mum

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Today is my Mum’s birthday she would have been 94. I can think of no better way to celebrate her birthday than have an afternoon tea…

Luckily my beautiful considerate daughter had treated me and her boyfriend’s mum to an afternoon tea at Luton Hoo.

The grounds and house are amazing and the array of cakes and sandwiches were too.No counting calories or diet today. The tea flowed as we chatted and giggled and ate until our clothes were uncomfortable.

As her day comes to a close I have had a lovely catch up with her younger sister who was about to ring me we always think of each other on days like this, and as I often say death doesn’t end a relationship and our loved ones remain forever in our hearts.

Mum, where ever you are I did you proud today mmm yum cakes!