bereavement

‘A Mother’s Love’

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This week I am busy doing the final editing of my own tribute to my amazing mother.

‘A Mother’s Love’ (Gospels according to Dorothy) A work of love which I have been working on the past few years giving a small insight into how a woman left widowed with five children selflessly raised them to be positive caring individuals. This will be available shortly from Amazon so keep following my blog. A little taster:-

‘They say there is nothing stronger than the bond between a mother and her children and for the really lucky ones amongst us aside of that bond may come a lifetime of the best mentoring one can receive and, of course, a beautiful friendship.

The advice given selflessly by a mother is based on her own wisdom, life’s experiences and driven by pure love and a desire to help you reach your potential safely and feeling secure in that love.’

Being a mother is such a rewarding if not challenging role.

 

 

 

Keeping healthy

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We all know that we take our health for granted and push our bodies sometimes to the limit. If, however, you have had and survived serious illness your attitude towards the value of good health and one’s spiritual wellbeing changes…and for the better.

Modern day people never take recovery seriously and often rush back to work too soon, sometimes this is not just about the financial burdens we all face but that we are on the run from the emotional element of being ill and feeling vulnerable.

Today I have had an interesting chat with a family member and we exchanged honestly how we have both felt after coming through serious illness and agreed that people do need to feel grateful and take life a little easier.

Getting in touch with one’s spiritual self is really beneficial and often this can be enhanced by reading the great works of others who have completed a spiritual journey.

Relaxing with a book not only keeps us writers from starving…you are never alone when you are reading but you may find an inner peace depending what you read and escaping from our own life with a book for an hour or two is a mini-holiday.

Balancing our life with relaxation and exercise will keep both mind and body healthy.

I always joke when I have been studying that I am doing my mental exercise. Great!

Accepting change and loss

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I boldy write and say on a regular basis that for stroke survivors and carers of people with dementia challenges that loss of use of limbs, speech or memory can be like a mini-bereavement and not to be taken lightly. This applies not only to the patient/client/sufferer but to family members,friends and carers who have to come to terms with the reality that part of the person they knew and loved may be lost, sometimes temporarily and sometimes it is a gradually process and permanent.

When supporting people through the bereavement process I often remind them that perhaps the cancer or heart problems which may have led to the loss of a family member or friend is not who they were…that is what they had. Similarly accepting the challenges a stroke survivor has to live with will help them tremendously.

For the bereaved; to help the grieving process focusing on the good memories and the achievements and life the person led is a positive step. Remembering the good times and even the really funny times can help. Remember our loved one would not want us to only be sad when we recalled them. I know my sister and I enjoy having a girly lunch and giggling at things our mum said and done..in doing so we are keeping her alive in our minds and our hearts.

Denying the existence of someone we loved and have lost doesn’t help but celebrating their life does, but that can take time and that can be the real challenge. Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight and talking to other people in a similar situation really can help as realisation sets in that you are not alone in your struggle. You can’t beat a bit of support with genuine empathy there is no need to feel alone.

 

Being supportive

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I have just returned from a great brunch with my life coach pal where we share experiences ‘generically’ of projects we are working on and specific areas of counselling we are involved in and researching.

We are both mindful that whether we are working with a stroke survivor, a bereavement client or a teenager suffering with stress that there is always a family unit that are also trying as best they can to support the individual having counselling or coaching.

The more assistance and support a family can receive the better the chances of recovery and this may include extended family and teachers. Awareness is always essential to ensure that allowances are made in a constructive way and as we know information is power.

An additional factor a counsellor has to always bear in mind is not to break any confidentialities to any parties and at times this can be met with objections but trust takes time to earn and is vital to the process and to allow us to remain professional at all times and codes of ethics.

There is no reason to struggle with emotional problems there is help available and the first brave step is recognising you need help and then asking for it.

International Holocaust Memorial Day

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I am mindful today that all over the world people will be acknowledging and remembering the terrible crimes against individuals during the second world war.

My own mother knew girls within the rag trade in London who worked alongside girls who bore the numbers as well as the horrendous mental scars from the prison camps.

We must never allow these atrocities to be forgotten and for those that lost friends and relatives, for some whole families we send our prayers, forgiveness for such cruelty is a big ask.

Prejudice and ignorance at its possible worst.As I discussed earlier this week with a minister friend we are all a mixture of ancestors from various religous beliefs and nationalities so what’s the issue?

Writing is therapeutic

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Writing as we know can be extremely therapeutic even if nobody reads what you have written. In writing down your thoughts and emotions you are starting to let them go and you will feel lighter.

Over the years I have run writers groups and been amazed at the honesty as well as the talent apparent ‘non-writers’ have and how well they express their emotions when given the chance.

Poetry is often a fun way for some as they can keep their thoughts limited to a word count or pattern of their own choice. However, the emotion and personal message will come through strongly, even irony and comedy when applied can help us make sense of what previously may have been too painful to discuss.

Keeping a journal and/or writing a blog is a great way to have a rant and start collating material to reflect on at a later date. Additionally writing down happy thoughts and reasons to be grateful can help us keep a positive balance and be mindful on a regular basis.

Being kind and grateful

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It has always been and will always be the case that to have that good friend you have to be that good friend. Being supportive and kind to others lays down the best foundation to move forward. We all have our bad days and some people have bad months or even bad years where a cluster of events beyond their control can consume them. When going through the times of challenge we turn to good friends who remind just where our strength and, where appropriate, our faith lies to draw on and help get us through.

This week I seem to be having some excellent heart to heart conversations with various family members and colleagues. Sometimes during times of bereavement in the midst of our despair we also begin to acknowledge what matters most, how not to allow little things to upset us but more importantly to be grateful for the good things in our life that daily we too easily take for granted.

There is no doubt in my mind experiencing the loss of a parent at a very early age made my own family closer and a realisation hit home (literally) that one never knows what is around the next corner. We were all raised to be mindful by an amazing mentor (our Mother) and to live a day at a time and live it well… love and laugh often as the fridge magnets say!

Remember kindness is indeed a strength and not a weakness -my own personal mantra.

My publication ‘A Mother’s love‘ will be available very soon

Bereavement is a painful journey

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At my age I am surrounded by friends and extended family members who are sadly losing parents and other elderly relatives and friends. On the positive side people are living longer although the end of their life may then be challenging with health issues.

As I reminded a lovely close friend today;  however difficult it is we mustn’t allow grief to consume us but try to remind ourselves of positive aspects of our loved one’s life and character. Moreover remember to be grateful for the small things in our own lives that daily we too often take for granted.

As any good publication or article on mindfulness will suggest take time to enjoy even the simplest of activities whether that be doing the crossword, drinking your coffee or savouring that last square of chocolate. Doing something for you is not selfish it’s self-preservation.

The fast pace of life and the technological world in which we live keep us racing through life rather than living it to its best. As I also reminded a young working mother earlier today: Our crazy schedule is actually within our control if we so choose…and breathe easy.

 

The Oesophageal Patients Association

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The OPA give great support to and raise awareness of Oesophageal health issues.

Their newsletter dropped into my mailbox this morning and I am asking my friends, followers and fellow bloggers to sign their Heartburn Medication Petition. The link can be found below:-

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/177322

The petition has been launched to apply pressure on the Government to ensure that all packets/bottles of heartburn medication carry a warning on the importance of consulting one’s GP if symptoms persist for more than three weeks.

I fully support this movement, when I cleared my Mother’s home out there wasn’t a handbag or drawer that didn’t have an indigestion remedy in it…perhaps if her symptoms had been given the attention they deserved she would not have spent her last year or so suffering the horrendous effects of cancer.

Remember: Oesophageal problems if left untreated can lead to all sorts of longer term serious health issues. Taking remedies is not the answer that just treats the symptoms not the problem, listen to your body, get a proper examination and ignore the adverts.

Please circulate the link and help this patients association make a difference.

Male depression

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At last there is more public interest and awareness f or support and acknowledging male depression. As discussed during ‘This Morning’ TV show phone in there are so many men who find it hard to approach friends when suffering emotional problems.

It is not a weakness but a strength to open up and ask for help, that in itself takes real courage. The old tradition of men not discussing problems needs to change to allow those in need to feel able to seek help from friends and family.

Those who are feeling troubled and having suicidal thoughts should talk to a professional if they can, seek out help from local support groups and not be afraid to admit they are not coping. Giving the option those that love you really want to know how you are feeling and have the opportunity to help.

It has always been a case of a problem shared and vocalising how one feels rather than just remaining in a dark place alone in one’s mind really helps. Changes don’t happen over night but tiny steps to a more positive place is far easier than most imagine.