bereavement

Sign the petition for Rosie’s backpacker safety campaign

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I have just read the interview with Mia Ayliffe’s Mother in ‘The Mail on Sunday’. Her daughter, a student taken tragically whilst backpacking. Rosie’s words resonate with me and any mother reading this emotive and honest piece.

As our children go off to university and/or a gap year we worry about their safety for all sorts of reasons. However, none of us want to stop them following their dreams.

Rosie admits that in her head her daughter is still away in Australia and I have had similar conversations with the bereaved friends and families in similar situations as they struggle to come to terms with their loss.

My blog supporters and followers know how often I write about the strength of a Mother’s Love. My book of the same title currently with my publishers. What never fails to amaze me is how some individuals whilst having to work through their grief decide to channel their energy into something positive and more often that not for the benefits of others.

Mia’s mother has started a safety campaign for backpackers and I would urge my followers to sign her petition which can be found by visiting her Twitter page @RosieAyliffe.

 

Coping with loss

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This week there have been various charities and individuals thankfully increasing awareness about the loss of a child and/or baby whether this be through illness or in the early stages of pregnancy as a miscarriage. Women who have miscarried are so often not afforded the same or similar consideration or support as those women who have given birth then lost their child although it is still a traumatic loss.This delicate subject has even been aired in the House of Commons…at last!

As the ‘Loose Women’ today  have acknowledged; from the start a woman knows she is pregnant along with the usual anxieties she also has started to dream about that life and the future of that child…regardless of how many people she has chosen to tell she is pregnant.

It is no secret that many people find death and bereavement difficult subjects to discuss and as I often write this doesn’t help the person who is grieving in any way at all.

Furthermore, it is nobody’s right to tell another that their way of grieving is wrong and/or it is time they have moved on and accepted their loss. We all grieve in different ways at different speed and this should be respected.

To all those women who have lost a child or experienced a miscarriage it a pain that may get easier in time but is never forgotten and as with all emotions things will trigger a memory and the tears with flow…don’t forget it is good to cry rather than hold in one’s emotions. It is vital to talk to somebody about your feelings at whatever stage in the grieving process you are at…it really does help to share.

 

 

Birthdays

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Lordy another birthday and I have posted on a facebook birthday wish that I am getting older and wider. It’s the truth.

I am so fortunate to have such lovely friends and family who have been spoiling me all week. My house looks like a florist, more chocolate yum… but my best gift is my lovely daughter home for a girly day.

We may have more than one reason to celebrate family baby due and it would be grand if she (I think it’s a she) or he makes an appearance today.

Those that know me also know its a bittersweet day for our family and I am mindful that whilst it’s got easier.. we all still think of my wonderful mum, not just this day but everyday.

Love, support and cherish those you hold dear.

 

A Father’s Love

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I am having my screen break today and listening to a beautiful CD ‘A Father’s Love‘ a wonderful surprise gift today which arrived in the lunchtime post.

Close friends and followers know I have been working on a my own book:

‘Dancing in my dreams’ for many years about the love and loss of my own father and the words to the tracks on this album are so poignant to me.

Oddly enough only last night I was discussing the subject of not having a father with a friend and how Father-daughter relationships (or lack of them)  affects many girls relationships throughout their life.

I think Fathers often under-estimate the impact their relationship has on their children, Mothers may keep the home and wipe away the tears more often than not but children need their Fathers input and love too. This cannot be measured in time spent but the quality of that time and the intensity of that love and as we know some men are better at demonstrating that love than others.

I only had seven years with my own Father, who died from a massive stroke hence my on-going campaign to support stroke charities and increase awareness. My memories are few but treasured oh so dearly.

Thank you that man for the random act of kindness.

 

 

National Grief Awareness Day

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Today has been noted as National Grief Awareness Day and my regular followers know that the main theme of my blog is to encourage people to be more bereavement aware and help those who are struggling.

We still have such a long way to go to accept that everyone grieves in a different way and there is no time limit on the grieving process.

As I say so often there are no great words of wisdom to make somebody feel better and remove their sorrow but we can help ease their pain just a little by acknowledging their loss rather than ignoring it… just because we feel uncomfortable and do not know what to say.

The intensity of one’s grief is often determined by the closeness of the relationship we have with our loved one. My advice is to take one day at a time and not to be too hard on yourself. Try to resume activities that you enjoy as your loved one would want you to go on living life to the full..of that I am certain.

To all those out there who have lost somebody they love, try and celebrate their life as best you can, and, as I say so often, death does not end a relationship.

When is the right time?

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I had to confess to a close friend that i was having studying withdrawal symptoms…how sad am I? Seriously, I had given myself a little break from my list of courses to do. I had decided not to start up again until my daughter went back to university. Then today I found myself seeking out one of my proposed courses and starting to read my first lesson…

If I am honest I was concerned the longer I put off starting the worse it would be to get back into my routine. As any fellow mature students will realise one has to be really committed, self-disciplined and motivated to return to studying.

I have to say the past few years I have found gaining various qualifications a positive move and I have really enjoyed the reflective reading and evolving as an individual. Finding the right position to make ultimate use of said qualifications has been harder than I envisaged but I know the right role is out there.

For me of course it was a two prong plan as my counselling qualifications have also given me credence to my serious writing projects, currently with my publisher. One has to be patient as some dreams take longer to chase, catch and become a reality.

Q: So when is the right time? A:Now!!

Remember we are never too old to learn new skills.

 

Today’s new word

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I am always encouraging those around me to extend their vocabularies and learn at least one new word every day. I am reminded when my daughter was about four or five and she had forgotten what her fabulous picture dictionary was called and asked me:-

‘Mummy where is that book that knows everything?’

I think that was a brilliant description of our trusty dictionary.

I found ‘my new word’ yesterday albeit provided by Nick Clegg’s beautiful wife Miriam. It is ‘Sobremesa’ which she explained (in an article within ‘You’ magazine) in Spanish means ‘over the table’. Anybody that has eaten with me knows it will be a good few hours spent not just eating but chewing the cud. Aside of finding me my new word there were one or two of her delicious looking recipes which I will be trying.

I wonder whether the hectic life people lead and the fact that families are not always sitting around the table at the same time to eat is partly responsible for people often not really knowing their children. More importantly not being aware of what could be troubling them…as parents we must open up the dialogue on a regular basis and give our children the opportunity to speak freely about any subject. Sadly, even the families that do communicate well may not see warning signs…as sometimes there aren’t any.

Again this weekend I heard another sad story of a young teenage boy taking his own life absolutely devastating for his close family and friends and the ripples of grief spread far and wide. The increasing statistics for suicides in young men for those that know them should be sending loud alarm bells to not just parents but support networks everywhere.

I recently discussed this very subject with a mother of a young male teacher and we both agreed young men need more good role models in schools and to be encouraged to share more.

Supporting our teenagers

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Being a teenager is a very stressful time and this week I have had the privilege of meeting with and working alongside individuals and charities who support the education sector in one way or another with intervention.

Intervention within schools as well as continual professional development of teachers has consistently grown in necessity. The reasons and causes are many and this week personally I have been examining and researching both for a project.

Revision of exams, taking exams and then finally waiting for the results provide months of stress and anxiety for students and parents alike. As I often mention on my blog remember a second choice may well turn out to be a better one for your child.

Yes, we want our children to achieve well in their exams and hopefully get the university of choice and the career of their dreams but we must be ready to support if these do not become a reality.

There are many outward signs that as parents we may be able to see, but there are also those children who hide their feelings from those close to them…so we need to ask.

Communication in life as in business has always been the key to success.

 

Please read my latest piece on Innovate My School’s website:

 

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/ideas/the-true-value-of-cpd

 

Tell somebody you love that you love them today

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My amazing mentor so often said the time to be good to people and show them you care is when they are here and alive.

Many of my close family members and good friends have no problem in telling one another that we love each other but not in a flippant way but just when it feels right. For the un-lovey-dovey minority using the word love doesn’t dilute it’s value… if you mean it when you say it.

Ok for some people saying how we feel and showing emotions is difficult but life can be far more difficult for us and those close to us when we don’t.

I know a friend chose ‘The Living Years’ by Mike and The Mechanics song for his father’s funeral and the words ring true about how as children we always think our parents are from another planet. The essence of this song is quite beautiful and poignant if you have lost a father and wish you had talked more.

Vic Botterill (a great after dinner speaker I know) within his training DVD   ‘Living, Loving and Stress’ reminds his audience how important it is to tell loved ones that we love them and on a regular basis. Vic is an ex Police Officer and has had to deliver tragic news to loved ones..he knows his stuff!

So my message today is tell somebody you love…just that..you love them.

Ollie Foundation

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The Ollie Foundation was set up by Stuart Falconer a grieving father who lost his own son Morgan only last year. Speaking to Stuart earlier today I am pleased to hear that interest and support is gathering momentum for the foundation.

I always respect anybody who turns their personal grief into positive action to help others through increased awareness. My followers know male suicide is something which I often write about.  None of us as parents and/or friends should under estimate how important it is for young men to be encouraged to share their emotions, feelings and fears.

Teens are under so much emotional pressure these days which is one of the reasons I write about the true value of CPD for teachers and intervention within the education system. Indeed I work closely with fellow counsellors and life coaches who are proactive in this area.

Please read my latest article on Innovate My School’s website: –

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/ideas/the-true-value-of-cpd

The Ollie Foundation aims to fund intervention training within schools in Hertfordshire and help remove some of the stigma attached to suicide. Having written two books on bereavement I never shun away from raising the subject of suicide nor the fact the families need even more help with coming to terms with their loss.

If you would like to find our more or feel you can help The Ollie Foundation in some way please visit:

http://www.theolliefoundation.org. 

Society generally needs to improve their attitude towards suicide it is getting better but we still have a long way to go.