reflective

Collateral Beauty

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Yesterday I went to see ‘Collateral Beauty’ what a beautiful film and Will Smith’s portrayal of a grieving father was amazing and so emotive.

For anybody that has lost somebody dear, especially a child, will resonate with this movie. For those who are really struggling in coming to terms with the loss of a loved one the film’s message to remember the ‘collateral beauty’ is sound advice. We are all much more than we appear, we touch people’s lives in so many ways and that love and our memories continue to keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds.

It is never a case of getting over a loss more attempting to come to terms and accept and that takes as long as it takes and everybody’s journey is different.

If you know anybody that has lost somebody this year remember them at this time of the year as they face various anniversaries and days where pressure to be happy is nearon impossible.Behind the painted smile…

Love and appreciate those you hold dear now whilst they are around and most of all forgive and be grateful.

 

Think of the mothers

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Mothers hold the family together throughout the year, multi-task all day long every day and leading up to Christmas alongside their usual duties they have to organise Christmas as well.

I felt for a Mother in the supermarket today as she struggled to get control using her best negotiating skills with two boys under ten. Having no luck whatsoever, I was impressed to see her make them both take their sweets back ‘as they didn’t deserve them’. Well done.

The job of a peacemaker isn’t an easy one at the best of times and don’t children know how to press one’s buttons just when you would rather they didn’t.

So, think of the mothers and all that they do, be nice, be thoughtful and for God sake just behave…for once!

Christmas isn’t just about what you get it is what you give and time, understanding and patience are sometimes the best options and don’t cost a penny!

Remember your mum is likely to be the best friend you ever have.

Winding down the year

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In the midst of wondering whether there is anybody important we have forgotten to buy for, or any elderly relative or friend we have forgotten to find time to visit many of us will be winding down the year in the lead up to Christmas.

Often as one year closes and another starts many of us start a little bit of emotional spring cleaning…and a jolly good job too. I  am mindful that 2016 has been a challenge for many and it may difficult to summon up enthusiasm for next year.

However, concentrating on what we have achieved as opposed to the disasters we may have had to overcome is the best way to put a little spring into one’s step and look at the ‘still to do list’ with a fresh and positive pair of eyes. A few mulled wines may help this.

Seriously, and personally, a lot of my projects have not gone quite according to plan and/or the optimistic time schedule..but hey ho not all is lost there’s always next year. I am a great believer that delays happen for some good reason which will become crystal clear one day.

My tip for today is to not allow the pressure of Christmas nor the over indulging to allow ourselves to feel lethargic and worn out emotionally. Instead enjoy the Christmas festivities, rec-charge the batteries and skip into the new year.

Remember realistically  we can only ever live a day at a time so make it count.

Wow I’m positive for a Monday..maybe it’s because my visits to the elderly today have reminded me how stoic and amazing many of that generation are..they put the younger generations to shame in how they bounce back against all odds.

The magic of Christmas

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I had an interesting chat with a client today about how magical it is when our children believe in that man with the red and white outfit, chubby red face and white beard.

I know a family member had been concerned that there was no chimney for him to get down so how would his presents be delivered? Now that’s a darn good question from a child who has seriously thought things through. All joking apart it is a sad day, when it comes, when they realise the tooth fairy is really mum and that Father Christmas is dad dressed up.

I remember one year hiding presents in a neighbour’s house and ‘Dad’ going to collect them ready for Christmas morning, it had been snowing so subsequently there was a trail of foot prints to the door. My daughter was very excited when she saw these and that Father Christmas had indeed been…and left gifts.

Trying to keep the child within us alive becomes more difficult as we grow up but remembering those halycon days brings back that warm feeling.

I recall my last Christmas before my father died and how my mum had let me have a sneaky peek at my dolls house. I can smell that turkey cooking and if I close my eyes I can see mum having her glass of sherry as she busily prepared for the madness that was Christmas with five children.

The drinks of that era were of course babycham, snowballs and for dad it was whisky and ginger. The chocolate decorations on the tree were really brilliant in those days too, umbrellas, watches and little slithers of chocolate tied up as parcels. Anybody remember the liquorice novelties?

Teenage stress

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I watched an interesting yet emotive  documentary on TV last week reporting on two teenage girls who tragically self-harmed. There is always a root problem for why girls are self-harming, which may not be obvious even to the most diligent of parents.

As usual I took copious notes but was moved and focused by  ‘a experts’ view on what is causing stress amongst teenagers. He said quite succintly:-

‘Teenagers are a mirror of society and society is in distress’

We can of course view this as negative but ignoring the facts won’t help teens of today. The pace of life is faster and great pressure is put on them to succeed. For all their advantages and amazing technology at the touch of finger they are not happy. Indeed technolog,y as I often write, brings new ways of being bullied and is responsible for lower self-esteem particularly in girls.

Keep the lines of communication open with this troubled generation they need our support and understanding more than most of us realise.

 

 

Making the right choices

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Sometimes in life we are faced with making a difficult decision and after a lot of soul searching and balancing up the negatives and positive we may still be left in a bit of a quandary as to what to do. Are we making the wrong choices for the right reasons and is our reason big enough?

Discussing weighing up the benefits of ‘getting experience’ with a colleague earlier today we touched on how certain sectors are quite unprofessional and small minded in their approach and maybe without realising can be quite offensive in questioning one’s skills and abilities.

We both agreed that the minute one starts to justify one’s skills the battle is lost, though of course we have to make allowance for ‘the other man’ maybe not fully understanding the high calibre of staff they are talking to nor respecting their CV and qualifications quite as much as they should do.

This situation and the question on being ‘ over qualified’ and whether one should dumb down one’s CV is one often run past me by colleagues wondering what to do for the best in searching for that dream job/project in their advancing years.

There are a lot of people who truly do not value self-development as much as those of us mature students who spend many hours gaining extra qualifications with a continual hunger for learning.

This week I am faced with making a few myself..and I am deliberating..time for cuppa and a choccy digestive – easy decision for me!

 

Stimulating memories

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As part of my own on=going research into Alzheimer’s and Dementia I am reading through a colleague’s copy of an excellent toolkit to help understand and prevent..in theory some of the symptoms and challenges those who suffer are meeting daily.

Yesterday, I decided to re-watch ‘ The Notebook‘ a beautiful love story about a husband’s dedication to help his wife through living with dementia. It is a well-loved and well-know creative piece and a weepie.

The husband never gives up on his wife and much to the disbelief of doctors she can play some music from memory. One line that always sticks with me (said emotively by the husband played by James Garner) in defence of his faith in her ability to remember and in defiance of the medics:-

‘Science only goes so far…then comes God’

In my own work wth dementia clients music is a great trigger for stimulating memories and encouraging a silent sufferer to beceome more vocal and happier.

Mindfulness living in the moment

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I suspect December is a typical month where many of us will feel we do not have time to live in the moment, but it is really a question of making time. We all take the little things for granted being lost in the huge marketing campaign that is thrusted upon us from late summer it seems nowadays.

Christmas should be about appreciating those we love and spending time with them rather than our money. Don’t get me wrong I have spent many years working within the marketing environments but we seem to have lost our way somewhat.

Love is one sure way of remembering being in the moment as at the time of feeling love as humans we are surely at our very best.

So the gift for Christmas should be love and for those of us with big hearts our ‘bank account ‘never runs out.

For some it takes the loss of a loved one to realise what life is all about and readjust where we can the balance of work and play.

 

Remembering loved ones

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The past few months have been extremely emotive for many relatives and friends in my circle. There’s always such a pressure at Christmas to be happy, when perhaps one is not. Samaritans are bringing awareness to this fact today confirming that such a large percentage of us are sad at Christmas but do things to make others happy.

We all cope with our emotions in our own way and life is constantly busy which sometimes prevents people from releasing maybe their grief openly. As I remind people going through bereavement there are no rules, or schedule or one size fits all.

However, we should all be able to grieve the way we want to, privately if that’s what we prefer and remembering those we have loved and lost in a way we feel is appropriate to respect that person and in our own way.

We can go many months moving forward and suddenly something will trigger a memory and we will feel the loss again, this may be a song, or a smell or a nonsensical memory. If this trigger makes us cry it’s no bad thing either these controlled emotions need to be released. Hanging on to emotions only leads to stress related illness or sleepless nights.

My message today is talk to people about how you feel and remember nobody has the right to dictate to others how they choose to grieve. Finally, remember that those we love and have lost would want us to go on living and loving as that’s the best tribute to their memory. We keep them alive in our hearts and that’s all anyone can expect.

Teenage stress

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Any parent of a teenage son or daughter in today’s society is sadly aware of just how stressful life has become for our children. There are so many stress factors facing today’s teens; exams, acceptance from peers and even pressure to try drugs and huge sensitivity surrounding their visual appearance all increased via the use and scrutiny of media.

The pressures for some, certainly outweigh all the great advantages that modern technology bring, indeed those in suypportive roles are also recognising just how disruptive and cruel modern media can be in terms of cyber bullying.

Please read my article on Innovate My School’s website:-

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/industry-expert-articles/item/1670-how-schools-can-tackle-cyberbullying.html

If you have even the smallest inclination that your child may be struggling, then quite likely they are. Ask the question, be supportive and if necessary speak to their school too as the likelihood being the answer may be easier to fathom than you realise and pastoral and tutors can help your family unit turn things around.

Remember our children are only on loan to us and we owe it to them to look out for their well-being even at times when we may not actually like them…we will always love them.

Remind them how proud we are, don’t just say it to others..this gesture of affirmation may just be what they need if feeling vulnerable or concerned about their achievements and remember not everyone can be a great academic.