bereavement

Honouring our loved ones

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Grief doesn’t leave us overnight it is a process and a journey with many stops at places that we would like to bypass. Sadly we have to go through the various stages and quite likely to visit some if not all of them again. There is no quick route.

Bereavement is all about expressing that love we had for our loved one and that intensity of the relationship determines our own bereavement.

What we must acknowledge is to have known and loved somebody is a gift and we should honour that gift by not being ashamed of feeling angry or sad or embarrassed about crying.

We keep our loved ones alive in our heart and in our mind and to do that we need to talk about them and remember them.

Not talking about somebody that has died does not help anybody.  Allow the bereaved to mourn and remember and any of us can do that by simply befriending and talking.

Brightest light

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It is no secret to creative types that the brightest light may come from the darkest place.

Artists, writers and musicians will often reveal how some of their best work has been inspired by something which may have had a great emotional impact on their life.

An ex-boyfriend who was an amazing talented composer and musician found music his escapism and his sanity through difficult times.

Art therapy helps many people express themselves and this is something often used in helping children overcome bereavement and trauma.

Writing as an example can of course be therapeutic the book shops are full of poetry for example written by the broken-hearted.  When I ran my writers group a lot of hidden emotions revealed themselves on paper.

I know my blog posts are sometimes inspired by something that has tugged at the old heart strings – maybe an injustice and driving me to support a worthwhile cause.

On a more positive note romance is an excellent aphrodisiac to get the ink flowing from one’s nib!

But remember what William Makepeace Thackeray said about that:-

‘That’s the way with poets, they fall in love; jilt or are jilted. They suffer and then cry out that they suffer more than any other mortal’

 

 

 

Innovate My School

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I occasionally donate articles to Innovate My School’s website  – a brilliant procurement tool for teachers and any professionals working within the education sector.

They have had a bit of a website face lift recently and I really like the new format. Thought I would just circulate the newer links to my most recent articles on bereavement and cyber bullying:-

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/ideas/bereavement-helping-pupils-and-towards-recovery

http://www.innovatemyschool.com/ideas/how-schools-can-tackle-cyberbullying

Anything we can do in terms of advice to help CPD within schools as supporting professionals is well received and promoted.

‘Good grief…Dancing in my Dreams’

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Some years ago I started working on a bereavement project close to my heart;

‘Good Grief…Dancing in my dreams‘ tells about the personal experience of loving and losing two fathers. The first when I was just aged 7 suddenly and the second a great Stepfather to cancer when I was 30.

I have spent years studying and researching bereavement and collating material. This is now being considered by my publisher working with me on ‘A Mother’s Love’. Here’s hoping these are soon out and available giving some comfort and help to others going through the difficult journey of bereavement especially the loss of a parent.

To my fellow struggling writers out there keep at it, keep writing and don’t give up. It takes as long as it takes for a good reason.

To my best pal and writing mentor Debs Durbin thank you for your constant encouragement and advice.Love ya!

 

 

Cascading Reminiscent Bumps

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I know I have posted about cascading reminiscent bumps before but today I experienced a great one.

My daughter bought a small bottle of cream soda and when I smelt its creamy aroma it transported me back to being a child great times and memories of ice cream floats.

Ok.. so this was a good one; but we also know that our senses can send us back into memories that may make us sad too. But hey that is not such a bad thing so what if we shed a tear or two as we remember a loved one no longer with us?

Remember that is the mind’s way of slowly releasing some of that stress and sadness still remaining in our body. Embrace it, feel it and treasure the memory.

I remember being on a London bus once sitting next to an elderly lady who smelt of lavender; I was instantly transported back to summers in the garden with gran making lavender bags -the memory was of course positive but the feeling/reminder that she was no longer around did make me feel a bit sad. So the bump did its job!

As I always say;

‘We keep our loved ones alive in our minds and our hearts’

and

‘Death does not end a relationship.’

 

Beautiful young people

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I was going to stay off the blog today, but in my email box came a lovely message from a young lady I had a chance meeting with just two weeks ago. This encounter prompted my blog April 14th ‘Coffee with a stranger’. It just reminded me how easily we can all touch people we meet with kindness or just a simple word of encouragement at the right time. I now have a new friend, and blog fan. hello Ashleigh!

I am surfacing following an extremely emotive but beautiful day yesterday. Attending the funeral of an amazing young woman who made such an impact in her nineteen years and touched people by her simple acts of kindness.

As sad as it was to see so many young people upset over the loss of a such a special friend I was also in absolute awe of not only her mother’s beautiful address, but how three young people, her lovely sister, boyfriend and best friend had the courage to also speak and I know that is not easy.

I was also overwhelmed by the love that filled the church which just confirmed what a difference one person can make to so many lives they touch along the way. This particular young woman was kind and compassionate far beyond her years. Few lines from one of the poems read out:

You can shed tears that she’s gone;

‘You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived.‘

‘You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what she would want; smile, open your eyes, love and go on.’

For those they knew and loved her that is exactly what she would want for all her friends to follow their dreams and do well.

 

Preparing for life and death

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Sometimes in life we have to face challenges we would rather not have to…often these challenges test our strength of character. But how on earth do we or can we prepare?

I was reflecting earlier this week how when my Stepfather died my Mother gave me the task of visiting neighbors and ringing family members to break the news. It suddenly dawned on me what she was doing…preparing me for the eventuality of having to deal with her passing. She knew it would be quite likely that I would be quite active in breaking the news and helping organise her funeral.

This week many young people  I know personally are faced with the very sad task of attending a beautiful young friend’s funeral. Of course nobody can make any sense of losing anybody their own age especially unexpectedly and I am reminded how I felt attending a cousin’s funeral a similar age. It was one of the saddest experiences of my life if I am honest.

So how do we help one another get through this? My best advice as always at any funeral is to try to celebrate the loved one’s life and respectfully so.

My other piece of advice to those concerned is to remember to look out for and keep in contact with the bereaved family after the funeral. So often people spend time offering support leading up the event then make a decision to leave the family in peace. This is of course respectful but try to remember it is after the funeral that maybe they need our support most and continually so for sometime after.

There is no time limit on grief and the more close and intense the relationship the harder it is to accept their passing. Remember death does not end a relationship and that person is kept alive in our hearts and in our minds.

The tallest poppies are always picked first…sadly.

A Mother’s Love

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Rainy Mondays can be just as great for good news as Fridays!  Just had a positive response to one of my projects and am feeling elated. Was talking to an amazing friend who could share the moment with me.

My wonderful mother and mentor used to say;

‘Everything comes to those that wait’

…and we would quip as kids:

‘Some have to wait a bit longer…’

I am often quoted as reminding people to be patient as things happen when they are meant to and for good reason. Maybe when we really want something we are not yet ready to cope with it and that is why we have to wait.

To that spiritual force out there I will say thank you for listening to me. If this comes to final fruition I know it will help others by reading it and that is my gift to help the healing process through the written word.

Today’s message is work hard and keep that dream in your vision and close to your heart and when asked what motivates me the answer is always the same:-

‘A Mother’s Love’.  My story and her’s.

 

 

 

 

 

Vulnerable and fragile

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Last night I watched Monday’s Panorama ‘I’m broken inside’ Sara’s story. Anybody that watched this emotive documentary will no doubt be as angry as me that this young girl was failed by the very systems that are put in place to help. I was horrified when her sister reported that Sarah was even subjected to ‘the powers that be’ arguing over funding for her help…disgraceful.

My heart goes out to the family and huge respect for making this documentary about their beautiful daughter. For families still going through the process hearing that professional help is not as successful as we probably imagine must be equally as alarming.

I have known people who have worked for CAMS and know that the counsellors’ case loads are overloaded and funding for support for families is short and slow in coming…sometimes too late.

I remember being at a meeting last year with several supporting agencies and community heads; we agreed when somebody seeks help they are often already in serious trouble then they are reliant on GP funding to refer and there is a long waiting list.

Sarah Brennan from Young Minds spoke about the serious problem teens now faced with cyber bullying (a subject I often write about). This modern media has resulted in bullying 24/7 and I know schools are faced with supporting more cases than they can cope with.

Early this morning whilst I was reflecting on the programme and the notes I had made I was distracted by a small thud outside which sounded like something had hit the upstairs window. As quickly as I heard the noise I saw a bird fall to the ground.

I opened the patio door to see such a pretty little bird gasping its last few breaths. I assume it flew into the window or fell from a nest. As I picked it up I felt saddened but there was nothing I could have done. Sometimes in life these things are symbols which make us stop and think. I reflected on Sara also fragile and in need of help but it wasn’t forthcoming and another Mother has to live with the loss of a beloved child.

The government must put more resources into support for mental health issues and making available resources closer to the patient’s family to aid their recovery.

Any petitions that we see being organised by support agencies and charities we must sign to get the numbers they require to take their complaints and requests to government.

 

 

 

Benefits of being a mature student

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I initially enrolled on four counselling courses with the BSY Group as further self- development, to help me focus my research for my bereavement projects and enhance my people skills for clients. Distance learning can work really well for those of us with work and family commitments as you can fit it around schedules and also work to your own pace.

The positive comments from the great team of BSY tutors on my returned assignments really spurred me on to complete the next lesson and proceed to final exams. We are never too old to accept compliments and I was thrilled when my tutors nominated for an Adult Learning Award last year.

I guess my message would be one is never too old to learn and grow in terms of emotional intelligence and gain new qualifications – with the support and flexibility from the team at BSY the journey is easier than you think. The standard of lesson material is so much higher than many other courses so speaking as a Quality Consultant I would say the courses are really great value for money.

So if you have been putting off doing something for yourself then now may be the time to do it! Have a look at their website the choice of holistic courses is excellent.