reflective

‘Good Grief…Dancing in my Dreams’

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My above bereavement project which kept being neglected is finally being considered by my publishers. It deals with the loss of two fathers my real dad and my wonderful step father. I purposely touch on the subject of suicide which still remains even more of a taboo than death itself.

I always maintain that writing is therapeutic in many ways though I am not sure how cathartic it was for me as I kept dipping in and out of it whilst working on other projects. However, it was part reflective whilst gaining my counselling qualifications and I really hope the contents will resonate and help others.

I think one of the main things about feeling bereaved is one of losing one’s sense of purpose especially if it is a parent. Knowing that we are not alone in our feelings can be a source of great comfort.

I started my blog just over a year ago to reach out to those going through the loss of a loved one and I trust my positive thoughts and emotive writing has helped my followers.

I often receive private messages confirming my posts are connecting with many and that’s really appreciated.

Be still

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My amazing mentor mother often used to use the phrase ‘be still’ as a child I thought that just meant be quiet but as I grew older and wiser I realised it meant far more.

Sundays I love to watch and listen to ‘The Big Question’ instead of going to church and listening to one religion I listen to the debates of all religions and beliefs to learn more!

Too many great names of respected intellects and religious leaders to name, but the Hindu representative spoke of ‘Be still’ and ‘the chattering of minds’.

Many great comments made today including ‘we cannot have divinity if we have violence’.

Discussion often on how all religions are to some degree about control  of an empire and often based around fear and that is true whatever your religion may be.

One of the contributors wisely pointed out we shouldn’t separate the body from the soul.

Forgiveness and love should be present in all our lives and I definitely agreed with the point made by one participant ‘don’t let other people’s damage ..damage you’

I think the main thing is not to think of one’s self as a good Christian, Muslim, Jew or Hindu but as a good person respectful and considerate of others.

My mentor was right to bring us up to be eclectic in our approach to life and forgiving of others.

By the way the subject of the programme today was:-

Did man create god?  I think in many ways this was answered as a yes but as ever science and religion were running alongside questioning who is right and who can prove either way.

Advancement in science is certainly filling in some of the gaps as we go along and maybe leaving us with bigger questions to ask. Of course we will all know the answers in the next life…in this one we are all too busy still making mistakes.

Freedom of speech or bullying?

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As a writer I love to have  rant and believe in freedom of speech and democracy. However, where modern media is concerned the lines seem to have become sadly blurred and many people now feel it is acceptable to cyber bully others publicly.

Those that follow my blog know that I support the anti bullying charities in their efforts to help the victims of such unkind and unnecessary bullying who are often young and vulnerable children.

In previous blogs and articles I have raised the question why do these perpetrators not stand back and think before posting? In no time they have started something that others quickly ‘like’ and which adds further pressure and pain to the victims?

As a spokesperson for a support charity recently reminded a Horizon audience;

‘Bullying is now 24/7’  Making escape from it much harder, it doesn’t end when children leave the school premises.

To anybody out there being bullied in this way, make sure you tell somebody (especially your school) and get support asap.

Remember the bullying says far more about the bullies than it does about you. Bullies often go on to suffer with depression in later life when they finally grow up and reflect back.

If I get bullied by this posting I am ignoring it – so please don’t bother.

 

Don’t worry

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For those of you worrying today a few statistics taken from one of my articles:-

40% Will never ever happen

30% Related to past events

12% Health issues which are unfounded

10% Tiny things too petty to even give mind space to

4% Matters which are really out of our control (somebody else’s)

Those of you reaching for your calculator…I make that a grand total of 96%

So let’s identify that remaining 4%!! Or have I covered it above?

Time for a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive (plain chocolate of course much healthier)

Now plan exciting things to do with your time instead of worrying unnecessarily.

 

Don’t worry be happy.

 

 

 

Finding time for you

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So often I find myself at social gatherings with friends saying how guilty they feel about wanting time for themselves over and above what they do for their husbands and family.

Why? I ask them. We are all much happier in all relationships if we have space and time to do something for ourselves and pursue an activity or long term ambition. I am quite lucky though I have several female friends that are my study buddies and achieving all sorts of great things..I know I say it a lot it really is never too late.

For those people who are unhappy with their life there is only one person who can help you move on to a more rewarding life…and that’s you!  If you need life coaching or counselling to help you achieve it then seek it.

I repeatedly remind people that are feeling they are in a midlife crisis that there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel fulfilled. Just don’t ask too much of your partner we have to make our own contentment and not expect that to be the sole responsibility of others.

I read a very interesting article today echoing what I have been saying for a long time men’s position in today’s society is a struggling one for many.

Place nicely.

 

Caring for our elderly…moving on

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Over the past weeks I have had several reasons to reflect on how we care for our elderly and supporting them has been top of the agenda. Talking recently to my Chairman of our local charity to help the elderly; we compared the UK with how other countries hold their elderly in such high regard and we could do more I’m sure.

I am of the age where friends’ parents are becoming frail, sometimes in and out of hospital, sometimes having to make the difficult decision to leave their homes and move into a nursing home. As it is the Stroke Association’s purple awareness month I must of course mention stroke survivors and dependent upon the severity may have no option but move to full time care.

As with most things in life we tend to focus on the negative reports, but as I expressed to a friend today they can be useful in helping us be aware and cautious enough to ask more questions. Not all nursing homes are dreary places, but nice decor aside it’s the staff’s attitude that’s paramount in us feeling certain our loved ones will be as happy as the circumstance permits but more importantly safe.

What I always find sad is those people who have fought to keep their independence and are very bright and positive are suddenly faced with losing their independence and sometimes left without feeling active in the decisions being made around them.

I have visited a nursing home today but not naming for many reasons but it made me realise that maybe I should be doing a bit more for the elderly as well as my pro-activity already and more recent focus on teens. Today’s experience thankfully was a positive one though even if it did remind me of visiting my own Mother in a hospice.

A friend shared his own Father’s advice today:

‘As you grow older you realise you have two hands; one for helping yourself and one for helping others.’ 

A sentiment I agree with wholeheartedly and of course there is nothing as strong as the heart of a volunteer.

Not forgetting of course those who have moved to that next place -location depends on your viewpoint. My Mother is on her beach in heaven making everybody smile.

 

 

 

Honouring our loved ones

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Grief doesn’t leave us overnight it is a process and a journey with many stops at places that we would like to bypass. Sadly we have to go through the various stages and quite likely to visit some if not all of them again. There is no quick route.

Bereavement is all about expressing that love we had for our loved one and that intensity of the relationship determines our own bereavement.

What we must acknowledge is to have known and loved somebody is a gift and we should honour that gift by not being ashamed of feeling angry or sad or embarrassed about crying.

We keep our loved ones alive in our heart and in our mind and to do that we need to talk about them and remember them.

Not talking about somebody that has died does not help anybody.  Allow the bereaved to mourn and remember and any of us can do that by simply befriending and talking.

A Mother’s Love

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Never a day goes by where I don’t treasure a memory shared or a few words of wisdom from my amazing mentor.

Being a mother is the best job in the world although I didn’t realise this until quite late in life when my beautiful daughter arrived. Life has never been the same…it’s been better!

Daughters: We share in their achievements, watch over them, support them through life’s ups and downs and admire them as they develop into young confident women.

Grumble like crazy when they take our best handbag and create a floordrobe of the clothes we have just ironed but best of all we just love them.

Looking forward to mine coming back from university so is our maisy cat currently fretting for her furry sibling.

 

Brightest light

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It is no secret to creative types that the brightest light may come from the darkest place.

Artists, writers and musicians will often reveal how some of their best work has been inspired by something which may have had a great emotional impact on their life.

An ex-boyfriend who was an amazing talented composer and musician found music his escapism and his sanity through difficult times.

Art therapy helps many people express themselves and this is something often used in helping children overcome bereavement and trauma.

Writing as an example can of course be therapeutic the book shops are full of poetry for example written by the broken-hearted.  When I ran my writers group a lot of hidden emotions revealed themselves on paper.

I know my blog posts are sometimes inspired by something that has tugged at the old heart strings – maybe an injustice and driving me to support a worthwhile cause.

On a more positive note romance is an excellent aphrodisiac to get the ink flowing from one’s nib!

But remember what William Makepeace Thackeray said about that:-

‘That’s the way with poets, they fall in love; jilt or are jilted. They suffer and then cry out that they suffer more than any other mortal’

 

 

 

Cascading Reminiscent Bumps

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I know I have posted about cascading reminiscent bumps before but today I experienced a great one.

My daughter bought a small bottle of cream soda and when I smelt its creamy aroma it transported me back to being a child great times and memories of ice cream floats.

Ok.. so this was a good one; but we also know that our senses can send us back into memories that may make us sad too. But hey that is not such a bad thing so what if we shed a tear or two as we remember a loved one no longer with us?

Remember that is the mind’s way of slowly releasing some of that stress and sadness still remaining in our body. Embrace it, feel it and treasure the memory.

I remember being on a London bus once sitting next to an elderly lady who smelt of lavender; I was instantly transported back to summers in the garden with gran making lavender bags -the memory was of course positive but the feeling/reminder that she was no longer around did make me feel a bit sad. So the bump did its job!

As I always say;

‘We keep our loved ones alive in our minds and our hearts’

and

‘Death does not end a relationship.’